It is December 31, 2014, so I am obligated by law to post my New Year’s Resolutions for 2015. The problem is, I have never once achieved any of my resolutions, ever. They have usually been fine goals such as the following:
- Lose _____ pounds. (The number changes, but the goal is always there.)
- Learn to be a figure skater and do twirly twirly things without throwing up or breaking bones.
- Get a life.
- Don’t be such a dork.
- Write a book. With words. Probably in English.
- Gain enough wisdom and equanimity so that I can grade a pile of papers without lapsing into a rant about the decline of civilization and ending up with a migraine.
- Do something that will earn you scads of money so that you don’t have to worry about stupid goals above.
- Make your bed every day. (This one is to please my mother. Even if I earned scads of money, I would still need to make my bed every day to please her.)
None of these happened, obviously.
So this time I am going to make more realistic resolutions, one I hope that I will be able to achieve.
- Eat food every day, probably more than once a day.
- Get out of bed every single day, at least long enough to go to the bathroom.
- Watch other people have lives. Wonder how they do it.
- Cultivate dorkiness. Pretend it’s cool.
- Read books with words in English.
- Refrain from inflicting physical violence upon people who are deliberately throwing civilization to the dogs by refusing to learn how to use an apostrophe propery.
- Spend money.
Make bed everyday.
Wish me luck! What are your resolutions for the new year?