The Kim Jong-un Weight-Loss Regime

Who wants to be fat when the apocalypse comes?

This post is part of my Live from America! series.  For information that series, click here.

Dear ALF:

I wish you and your fellow Advanced Life Forms a happy new year.  (Now that I think of it, though, I don’t know if your creatures have years—be they old or new.  Oh, well.  Whatever.  (“Whatever” is what my people say when they do not want to be required to use language to communicate.)

In today’s headlines are reports that North Korea has detonated its first hydrogen bomb.  Since the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un, is bat-shit crazy and runs a bat-shit crazy regime, this news probably means the world will probably be coming to an end in the next few years.

You know what that means, right?  It means there is no time to waste in achieving our weight loss goals! Yes, ALF, I have made a New Year’s Resolution to lose some weight.  This is what my people do in early January of every year.   Statistics tell us that 70% of Americans need to lose weight and the other 30% believe they should lose weight.  That means everybody is either on a diet or should be on a diet or feels guilty for not being on a diet or is in such a Big Mac stupor that they do not know what the word “diet” means.

Our weight-loss obsession is actually excellent news because the diet industry is what keeps the American economy from collapsing under the weight of all of the McDonald’s arches.   According to ABC news “the annual revenue of the U.S. weight-loss industry, including diet books, diet drugs and weight-loss surgeries” is $20 billion.

$20 billion is a lot of money, ALF.  To give you some perspective, the annual gross domestic product of Namibia, a country in southern Africa, is $13.11 billion   Clearly, the Namibians need to go on more diets in order to increase their GDP.

But, I digress.  My point, ALF, is that I am doing my part to keep the economy alive by beginning my weight loss journey.  Knowing the world will end soon, thanks to people like Kim Jong-un, is a wonderful motivator for me.  Who wants to be fat when the apocalypse comes?

I do not mean to imply that Kim Jong-un is all bad.  In fact, I admire his leadership style in many ways and have implemented some of his ideas in my own job.  For example, I learned last year, that he requires his people to sport haircuts that mimic his own.

kim-jong-un-ppcorn2

Who wouldn’t want that haircut?

I think this is a great idea, and last year, I tried to enforce it on the minions in my department.  My hair looks like this, by the way.

Debra xmas

My people are not as docile as North Korea’s, though.  Some of the male members of the department muttered something about their baldness getting in the way of the requisite haircut.

But again, I digress. Back to weight loss.  I am focused and motivated to succeed on my Kim Jong-un nuclear weight loss diet.  Who wants to join me?  (You will need to copy my hairstyle, of course.)

The Dante’s Inferno Weight-Loss Plan

In Dante Alighieri’s medieval poem The Inferno, the third circle of hell is reserved for the gluttons.   Everything in this circle is like a huge garbage dump.  The dead gluttons lie in a “putrid slush” while being deluged with “huge hailstones, dirty water, and black snow.”  This landscape sounds almost as bad as Minnesota in March.

(For more information on The Inferno, see my previous post here.)

Illustration of Canto 6 by Stradanus
Illustration of Canto 6 by Stradanus

But that’s not all!  Added to this frozen rain of hell is the punishment inflicted by the triple-headed dog Cerberus, who “howls through his triple throats like a mad dog / over the spirits sunk in that foul paste. / His eyes are red, his beard is greased with phlegm / his belly is swollen, and his hands are claws/ to rip the wretches and flay and mangle them”  (Canto VI, Circle 3, lines 14 – 18).  These gluttonous souls are buried like garbage, and the mad dog Cerberus devours them like so much leftover meat.

Dante believed the gluttons deserved such punishment because when they were alive, they could think of nothing better to do with their God-given gifts than to wallow in food and drink.  They thus deserve to spend eternity “rotting like a swollen log.”

In the past, whenever I read this description of the gluttons in hell, my first reaction was to think, “oh, crap.  I really need to give up those Snickers bars before I end up here.”  This time, though, reading about the Third Circle gave me a business idea.  I am going to create and promote the Dante’s Inferno Weight Loss Plan.  First, I will open up a chain of weight-loss centers across the nation.    My plan will work a bit like Weight Watchers.  Clients will agree to follow a reduced-calorie diet, and will meet once a week for a weigh-in.   If they lose weight, all is well.

However, if they do not lose weight, they will then be sent immediately (through a trap door) to  Dante’s Third Circle of hell, where they will remain for a week.  After being slobbered over and gnawed at for a week by Cerberus, they will probably become so nauseated and disgusted that they will not be able to eat much. They will come back after their “adventure” a few pounds lighter, but more important they will be motivated to stay on their diets forever, in order to avoid such punishment again.

With The Inferno plan, my clients will not only lose pounds, but they will lose the weight of their sins as well and can move on directly to Purgatory.

What do you think of my plan?  It’s brilliant, right?  All I need to make it work is a partner who is willing to invest a few billion dolllars to help build a replica of The Inferno.   (We could probably have it double as a theme park as well, now that I think of it.)

Are you in?

————

Want to know which circle of hell you belong in?  Click here to find out.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv