How to Get Fit By Jogging (For Women over 50)

I have been alive for over half of a century.  That means I have lived through disco fever, two Bush administrations, and the spectacle of Miley Cyrus twerking.  I have learned many things on all this time on the planet, and I am willing to share my nuggets of wisdom with you.

Today’s nugget is about fitness.  Jogging is a popular and effective way to get fit.  It is free, and anybody can do it, but women over fifty have to take some special precautions before getting started.  Here are my recommendations.

Proper clothing is essential.  Let us begin with the proper foundation.  If you are a woman over 50, your hormones have most likely caused your boobs to double in size.  You have to be careful not to let those puppies bounce too much or else they may knock out what’s left of your teeth. I recommend investing in a sports bra.  This bra should bear not the slightest resemblance to anything worn by a Victoria’s Secret model.  Look instead for a full-coverage model, preferably made of armor.A good fitting bra that supports your puppies properly should not cost you more than $75.00

Something like this is nice because it includes room for your rows of belly fat.

Next, it is important to wear proper shorts.  Theoretically, any type of short should work.  In reality, though, unless you suffer from some tropical wasting disease, you need to be wary of the dreaded thigh chafe: aka “chub rub.”  This chafe happens when “thigh meat” meets “thigh meat” and it is not pretty.  You could use Vaseline or baby powder on your thighs to prevent the chub rub.  Some people say Desitin (the baby rash ointment) works well once the chafe occurs.  But I believe in being well-prepared, so I would recommend purchasing some anti-chafing underwear, which looks like something between a diaper and Dominatrix getup.

With these anti-chafers and your breast armor, you should be able to wear any t-shirt and shorts and be ready to frolic.

Let’s not forget the footwear.  You will, of course, need to spend well over $100 for the proper running shoes.  Many types are available, and they all boast such fancy technology related to air, suspension, and support, that they must have been built by engineers.

Spending $150 for running shoes will not be enough for the woman over 50, though, since she has undoubtedly suffered from plantar fasciitis, Achilles tendinitis, and a capite ad calcem.  Therefore I highly recommend investing in prescription orthotics to insert into your really expensive running shoes.  They are only around $500, but your insurance may pay for them.

 Speaking of injuries, if you have run even once in the past three years, you will probably be suffering from a knee injury.  This is no excuse for staying on the couch!  A decent knee brace should not set you back more than $770, and it might even save your knee.

You’ll want to invest in good socks, of course.  Make sure you only buy those that manage your moisture with an unnatural fabric and boast a ventilated top to help your feet breathe.  You should not need to spend more than $15 for a good pair of socks.

When you are putting your socks and shoes on, don’t forget your antibiotic ointment, bandaids and moleskin to protect the blisters you earned from working out once already this year.

Although running with your IPod is not absolutely necessary, I find it helpful to keep my energy up. IPod tablets are engineered for maximum funness, and you don’t want to go out into the world without your maximum funness on, do you?  $300 should be enough to get you started.

You don’t want to have to carry your IPod in your sweaty hand, so make sure you buy an armband for it.  Stick the IPod into the arm band and wear it on your upper-arm.

Oh—before you go out the door, don’t forget your headphones to plug into the Ipod!

Now you are all set!

First, warm up with a slow jog.  If it is a hot summer day, this warm-up will probably be enough to get the sweat dripping into your eyes.  For the rest of the run, your eyes will be burning with sweat and you will be blind.

After a few more minutes, you will notice that your head phones have fallen out of your ears.  As you try to fix the headphones while continuing to jog, blind, you trip over your untied shoe and to flying, face first, into the sidewalk.
After waking up ten minutes later, you find that you are bruised, scratched and broken all over. You probably have a concussion.  Crawl home, blood and sweat dripping from every pore.

Post a status update on Facebook to brag about how good you feel after your run.

You’re done!

The Muskie Monster Movie

I recently spent a couple of days in Hayward, Wisconsin.  Hayward is a small resort town in northern Wisconsin which is ringed by lakes.  It is located somewhere south of the North Pole.

Hayward is located somewhere south of the North Pole.

Cross-country enthusiasts might know the town as the end-point of the famous 54 kilometer Birkebeiner ski race.

Hayward is also the place, however, where somebody thought it would be a good idea to build a fish that is 143 feet long and 45 feet tall and call it the World’s Largest Muskie.

 Inside this muskie is the National Fresh Water Fishing Hall of Fame.  The purpose of this muskie and the Hall of Fame is to honor the sport of fresh-water fishing.  I think I was supposed to leave the park filled with renewed desire to stick my pole in a pool of water and wait for something to happen.

However, the World’s Largest Muskie had a different effect on me:  I found the whole scene rather disturbing, like a surrealist painting.

Painting by Michael Cheval

It did not help that Muskie Monster was in the process of eating Santa and his reindeer. 

I was half-convinced that Mr. Muskie was going to turn on us next and devour us, in retaliation for all the fishermen who had eaten his friends.

So I came up with what I think is a brilliant idea for a movie, one that I will produce, direct and star in.  This movie will take place during the Birkebeiner ski race, so there will be thousands of cross-country skiers passing through Hayward.  Something will happen in the movie that will be the last straw for Muskie Monster.  He will decide that it is time for fish to turn the tables on humans and start to eat US.  He and his dozens of Muskie Monster Minions (who will suddenly appear out of nowhere) start chasing the skiers, devouring hundreds of them. (I’m not sure how Muskie Monster will get around.  I guess he’ll have to have skis as well.  We’ll work out the details later.)

All is gloom and doom, and it seems that northern Wisconsin will be destroyed by the rapidly reproducing Monster Muskies.  But then, our heroine, Minnesota Madame, (played by me, of course) enters the scene and has a plan to save the day.

I’m not going to tell you how it ends.  You’ll have to wait to see the movie!

What do you think of my idea? Any ideas for a title of my movie?