This post is part of my Live from America! series. For information that series, click here.
I wish you and your fellow Advanced Life Forms a happy new year. (Now that I think of it, though, I don’t know if your creatures have years—be they old or new. Oh, well. Whatever. (“Whatever” is what my people say when they do not want to be required to use language to communicate.)
In today’s headlines are reports that North Korea has detonated its first hydrogen bomb. Since the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un, is bat-shit crazy and runs a bat-shit crazy regime, this news probably means the world will probably be coming to an end in the next few years.
You know what that means, right? It means there is no time to waste in achieving our weight loss goals! Yes, ALF, I have made a New Year’s Resolution to lose some weight. This is what my people do in early January of every year. Statistics tell us that 70% of Americans need to lose weight and the other 30% believe they should lose weight. That means everybody is either on a diet or should be on a diet or feels guilty for not being on a diet or is in such a Big Mac stupor that they do not know what the word “diet” means.
Our weight-loss obsession is actually excellent news because the diet industry is what keeps the American economy from collapsing under the weight of all of the McDonald’s arches. According to ABC news “the annual revenue of the U.S. weight-loss industry, including diet books, diet drugs and weight-loss surgeries” is $20 billion.
$20 billion is a lot of money, ALF. To give you some perspective, the annual gross domestic product of Namibia, a country in southern Africa, is $13.11 billion Clearly, the Namibians need to go on more diets in order to increase their GDP.
But, I digress. My point, ALF, is that I am doing my part to keep the economy alive by beginning my weight loss journey. Knowing the world will end soon, thanks to people like Kim Jong-un, is a wonderful motivator for me. Who wants to be fat when the apocalypse comes?
I do not mean to imply that Kim Jong-un is all bad. In fact, I admire his leadership style in many ways and have implemented some of his ideas in my own job. For example, I learned last year, that he requires his people to sport haircuts that mimic his own.
Who wouldn’t want that haircut?
I think this is a great idea, and last year, I tried to enforce it on the minions in my department. My hair looks like this, by the way.
My people are not as docile as North Korea’s, though. Some of the male members of the department muttered something about their baldness getting in the way of the requisite haircut.
But again, I digress. Back to weight loss. I am focused and motivated to succeed on my Kim Jong-un nuclear weight loss diet. Who wants to join me? (You will need to copy my hairstyle, of course.)