Unconscious Couplets: Poetry for the Restuvus

As you probably know, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have decided to call it quits. We, the little people, might have “break-ups” and “divorces,” but Gwyneth is above all that. She and Chris Martin are engaging instead in “conscious uncoupling.”

Here’s what she said in her GOOP of March 25:

Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

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 Thanks, Gwyneth, for once again showing the rest of us how Things Should Be Done!

I am so inspired by Gwyneth and Chris’s example of conscious uncoupling that I have invented a new form of poetry in their honor.

The form is called “unconscious couplets.” This means that the couplets have to rhyme, but they are otherwise so incoherent that they must have been written while passed out in a drunken stupor.

Here is an example of this cutting edge form:

If I were a poet who wrote,
I’d insert a whole bunch of quotes
From pop culture icons like Gwyneth,
Whose sayings make my head spinneth.

 

I know what you’re thinking. This is such a great form of poetry that Gwyneth should not be the only one honored by it. That is why I have written some more verses to honor the other GREATS whom we all admire.

 

For Miley Cyrus

We old folks cringe when we see Miley Cyrus,
and write her letters of protest on our papyrus.
We tell her how dreadful it is that she twerks,
While she counts her dollars and tells us we’re jerks.

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For Justin Bieber

The mobs say that Bieber should be deported
Because of the drugs that he probably snorted.
And now he’s driving a bright red Bugatti,
Which just makes him look even more snotty

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For Snooki, who recently announced that she is expecting her second child:

My sources tell me that Snooki
Has been successful at making nookie.
She says that now she is preggers,
She can no longer drink beer from keggers.

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Stay tuned for more unconscious couplets to come!

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